CRIP TIME: Part 1 of many I hope

disclaimer: I wrote this “essay” couple weeks ago but for the first time on this blog anyways,
I decided to spend more time on the writing. I mulled things over, did lots of editing, and even asked for outside help. I kinda liked this process! I still love gutteral screaming and vomiting of emotions, don’t get me wrong! But there is also something to be said about articulation.

ANYWAYS - it’s Thursday, March 6, 2025, bout 5:37 PM. It’s raining outside so I can’t drive to the pool because our windshield wipers are still broken lmao. My cat is curled up by my feet as I sit up in bed posting this!

CRIP TIME

It Monday, February 24, 2025. I just got home from the pool where I executed my required daily exercise. However, I had to “cut it short” meaning, I only swam for 45 out of my regular 60 minutes. I needed to treat a low blood sugar that occurred while swimming and it took a while.

The whole time I was exercising I thought about a friend from high school who recently reached out with an inquiry. They wanted to know if I had any resources to share about “crip time”. My first immediate emotion was EXCITEMENT. Crip time is intuitively perceived by those who experience it and it is a common concept among people who experience chronic illness/disability. Since they asked for that literature, I couldn’t help but wonder: WHAT DOES YOUR CRIP CLOCK LOOK LIKE, FRIEND?? (It tends to look different for everyone.)

Crip time is a concept that is frequently alluded to in disability justice studies and aims to articulate the point that different people experience time differently depending on what they have going on. It explores personal, internal, individual experiences of time, as relative to other variables but without a “fixed” measurement. I feel that pondering the expansiveness of crip time would be helpful for people who aren’t constantly ill in understanding what it’s like to be so. But its also helpful to reexamining all aspects of modern life and its continually failing/crumbling systems and structures as well as our relationships to them.

This concept was one of those things that I personally felt an affinity to and a relationship with even before I had any “words” to describe it. Even before I was a “diagnosed” person (with T1D and “schizo stuff”), I was always kinda sickly, for lack of better words. I had to spend a lot of time sick at home instead of going to the preschool where my mom worked. I was literally born sick but if you want this story you should likely ask my mother as I was too young at the time to recount much memory of it.

As a young child and teenager, I remember “time traveling” in my head. I looked forward to revisiting the worlds that I constructed over nights in my sleep, I loved looking at old photos or notebooks to be reminded of things passed, I LOVED “spacing out” in class as kids do, etc. However, whenever a teacher would call it “daydreaming” I would get confused. That space out time to me was more accurately understood (internally) as “time travel”. As an adult, I’ve tried to do more analysis of this. My current conclusion is that my individual crip clock is highly related to space (environments- which can be a combination of internal and external “spaces”) and emotions felt within. But we are constantly measured instead against real “time”. So I can see where the term ‘time travel’ came for me, but it’s not the full picture.

I haven’t read many sources analyzing “crip time” myself (but wish I did! PLZ send me your fav crip time resources!!!). Instead, I often observe it in art/music/film/literature/life. It seems to creep up in my own stuff that I work on, of its own accord. I am still coming to understand it through my own experience. This makes sense considering it is an internal, perceived reality. It exists outside of our “collectively experienced reality”. However - even when learning about internal perceptions, it is extremely valuable to hear those of others because I suspect it might lead to furthering knowledge and understanding of the collective consciousness. To investigate this, one could start by looking at art made by disabled artists and note any references to time, clocks, watches, hourglasses, sundials, etc.

Here are some of my perceptions of CRIP TIME as well as insight into my own crip clock, in a completely random order as they pop into my head:

The nonlinear/referential storytelling in popular movies like Fight Club (just rewatched that few nights ago, so its on my mind rn). Through storytelling and editing, the film jumps between different bits of “time” as they are recalled and strung together by our “unreliable”/mentally “unstable” narrator/protagonist.
The “Disintegration Loops” by William Basinski (a fellow crip friend recommended this to me many years ago as “good tattooing music” and I feel like I understand WHY). As listeners, we experience the gradual deterioration of the mesmerizing sound loops that Basinski recorded. As the loops occupy new time/space - they sound different altogether, even though the source material is still the same. Its the process of “preservation” or, Basinski’s attempt to digitize analog sound and replicate it, that causes the “disintegration” of the sound loops. So the loops are the same but given the passage of time and transference between spaces, they degrade in sound quality eventually and are never reliably the same again. It makes me think of a piece of audio as a single human body, slowly decaying over time but always with an inner world/soul in tact.
Experimental electronic/hardware shows where the musician manipulates sound/speed in a “live setting” as part of their set/approach to audio art, as it is perceived by an audience of listeners based in “real time” (a live music show setting - collectively perceived).
Working on a new tattoo but employing both techniques of “machine” (time speeds up) and “handpoke” (time slows down), keeping in mind the added variable time fragment of HEALING. You can’t “overwork” the skin as you tattoo. Tattooing is essentially, trauma applied to the skin. If the skin has endured too much trauma in one sitting it needs to heal up before you execute another tattooing session, which then requires more healing time. Additionally, different bodies take different lengths of time to heal. The “standard” in tattooing world is 2-3 weeks for a tattoo to heal up. However, the longer I live with diabetes, I noticed my extremities (hands/arms & legs/feet) take closer to 4+ weeks to heal a tattoo now (variable healing as passage of time/accumulation of trauma to the body).
Using spray paint (fast time) as well as tiny brush strokes (slow time), among many other processes, on a single canvas “painting” (a defined space/environment). Different paints take different lengths of time to dry, meaning I either have to wait for one layer to dry before applying another or I use its intermediate “not quite wet but not quite dry” state to apply different techniques with varying results. Painting in general is highly exhibitive of my crip clock - it allows me to leave my annoying, demanding, and often very painful body for many hours at a time. This can be a beautiful relief but also a curse since there are no breaks from 24/7 diseases such as T1D. Any “break” you do end up taking will undoubtedly cost you more precious health (did you check your blood sugars? did you change your CGM? did you call the pharmacy/clinic/insurance monsters again to see if we can still access those this month??? did you eat “the right thing” in “the right way”?). However, I enjoy all activities where time ceases to exist, even if momentarily. Or even if time does still exist, that is only secondary to an internal or external space I inhabit and experience, as amplified by the emotions felt and experienced.
Spending 8 hours just having band practice lmao. I know as an adult that is hard to execute and usually this activity has constraints. I also understand why tho - to “protect” each individual’s time which is very important to each person’s health and wellbeing. Nonetheless - my favorite collective music projects were the ones where we had little to no time constraints, especially while creating/generating, as reckless as that may be.
The acts of non-linear video editing as well as linear film editing (cutting & splicing film fragments, rearranging them, then taping them up to make the “edit”) alongside the use of an optical printer (a re-photographing machine that allows you to manipulate footage by speeding it up or slowing it down as well as many other cool effects). The editing of the film or video has a direct impact on the meaning of a story or the expression of an emotion/experience. It is dictated by variables such as arrangement, pacing, or the relation of one segment to what came before or after.

In case those examples don’t make sense of CRIP TIME conceptually or illustrate my crip clock, consider these different individual realities regarding what ONE HOUR (as a unit of measurement) might mean to 5 completely different individuals in 5 completely different “environments” & “emotional states”. The only important part of this exercise is that you must wholeheartedly “put yourself in their shoes”.

You are a 13-year old and you’re in school. It’s the last period/class of the day. You know that after school, you have plans to go do SOMETHING FUN WITH FRIENDS. However, your last period class is MATH. You hate that subject and you are already frustrated to be there. That particular class is always a struggle to sit through, no matter where it falls in your class schedule. But somehow it’s especially difficult to sit through when you know it’s the LAST CLASS at the end of a grueling school day. On top of that, you are BURSTING WITH EXCITEMENT about your upcoming plans which interest you much more. The last hour of the school day suddenly feels not like 60 minutes of “time” but more like the 2 weeks you spend anticipating summer camp or a friend’s birthday party.

You are very very unwell and experiencing EXCRUCIATING PHYSICAL PAIN. You are writhing in a hospital bed in the middle of some day. [Everyone has different personal references for what “the worst imaginable pain” is. For some it might be childbirth, or the passing of a kidney stone, or enduring the effects of an aggressive chemo treatment, or a gunshot wound that you somehow, luckily survived. Whatever that pain is for your frame of reference: put yourself there right now.] You know you were administered some kind of “relief” for this pain but you also know that it takes 1 hour to take effect. You’re “stuck” in this pain knowing you typically can’t exit your experiences of your body (but sometimes we can! but that’s a related/different topic). That hour you are experiencing is no longer the same as the hour measured by the clock in the room. Maybe the nurse down the hall is experiencing something closer to that hour (unless they’re anticipating their lunch break), but for you, that 60 minutes is suddenly the perceived equivalent of 100 years. Thats a long, long time considering most people don’t even get to live a whole mortal, lifetime in that “timeframe”.

You are a visual artist who is deep at work on a painting. You have also been “diagnosed” with “ADHD” and tend to “hyperfocus” on tasks of interest and importance to you. You are so lost in the colors and forms on your canvas that every other sensory experience drops out of existence. You sort of forget you have a BODY that requires a glass of water or really has to pee. You know you started painting around 3pm (because you glanced at the clock by chance) and hope to only work for an hour. But when you look back at the clock, its: WTF ITS 2AM?! Where TF did like 12 HOURS suddenly go?? Mr. Clock confirms, alarmingly so, that these 12 hours went by, however your internal experience of them was maybe closer to 20 minutes at best. You are deeply confused and suddenly your bodily awareness hits you including all of its NEEDS. Its overwhelming because now they flood you all at once. The dam has been breached and it all comes screaming: you need to EAT SOMETHING, you need to GO TO THE BATHROOM, you need to CHECK ON YOUR PET, or CALL BACK THAT FRIEND, or GO GET GROCERIES (sucks that you can’t tho- because most grocery stores aren’t typically open at 2am).

You just experienced the loss of a loved one. The event of death and the following funeral/services happened “weeks” or maybe even “months” ago. You’re sitting at home by yourself, not doing much at all, simply existing/resting. Suddenly, everywhere you look, everything you hear, every sensory experience seems to points to that one person who died. You look at a book on your coffee table and are suddenly flooded by the reminder of that one really cool book that person turned you on to when they were still alive. You go to the kitchen and open the fridge intending to eat lunch. Instead, you start to stare at a food item in there. It reminds you of that one really funny inside-joke you both shared many many years ago. Since you’re alone, there was no one else there with you for you to “experience” a relation with “time” and also you were home, so your environmental sensory input was at rest as the result of being in your natural, controlled environment. Time seems to not mean anything at all. An hour passed to others but you wouldn’t even know because you failed to perceive the passage of it altogether.

You had a fight with a friend. Maybe it was last week, last month, or 6 years ago - doesn’t matter. You see why they got mad at you and also why you got mad at them. Enough time has passed to process these emotions, even if only partially. But you still feel deeply HURT. This is frustrating to you because you know they likely feel THE EXACT SAME WAY about themselves. You desperately want to hash it out with this person but instead are overwhelmed by several factors: fear (of being judged/misunderstood/abused/hurt more), confusion (where do we even begin as we attempt to unravel the thread of what went wrong and how/when/why), communication difficulties (both people involved have conflicting needs in this realm so you lack a “common language” to even share pertinent information through), [insert whatever other “limitations” you can think of - I bet this category is INFINITE]. You look at the clock and promise yourself: within this “hour”, I will figure out a way to reach out to them so we can try to hash it out. However, time pushes and pulls at you. It seems to “speed up” when your mind becomes flooded with all the things you both need to say, when you imagine the other person responding with more hurtful things, or when you imagine another miscommunication. It seems to “slow down” when you consider the emotional pain you are both STEWING in, when you consider the possibility of relief/resolve, or when you are reminded of fond memories together. Sure, that hour passes eventually, but not at a constant rate or one your internal self can measure/comprehend in that moment.

Using the examples above, I can ascribe an emotion to each examination of time. I can also ascribe an environment/space to each as well. This is how I interpret those examples considering my perceptions of TIME/SPACE/EMOTION, according to my own perception of crip time as dictated by my ever-changing crip clock:

1 hour = 2 weeks ∝ SCHOOL + “restraint” x “excitement”

1 hour = 100 years ∝ BODY + “trapped” x “longing”

1 hour = 20 minutes/12hours ∝ WORK + “interest” x “devotion”

1 hour = N/A ∝ THE PAST + “grief” x all its other complex, associated emotions: sadness, anger, longing, loathing, helplessness, [FILL IN THE BLANK] )

1 hour = “INFINITY” ∝ CONFLICT + “helplessness” x “desire”

[NOTE: symbol “∝” means “proportional to”]

I started crying while writing this out because an intrusive memory came forth in my mind. It made me think of several years ago when I was in another scary hospitalization in a locked down ward. This was a long one for me compared to past ones. Time moves all kinds of ways in those spaces but is especially SLOW leading up to the PRECIOUS visitor hours [TRAUMA-INDUCING SPACE + “anticipation” x “longing”]. My mom was the only person who would visit me daily in these spaces (BLESS) and I rarely shared with others in my life where I was and why. This became more difficult when I moved into my current home and had to explain to all housemates why my mother was sleeping in my bedroom all month instead of me lol. I used to think my mom did that because she was my mom and was worried (those places are traumatically awful at treating physical conditions alongside psychiatric ones - but thats an entirely different essay right there). I now know that she did it because she knows all too well what it’s like to be denied your bodily needs (she is a fellow crip after all). At one visit, she gave me a watch that my dad fixed himself and needed to give to me. He is a lifelong “tinkerer” and enjoys fixing clocks and watches. I don’t remember why he wanted to give it to me then or if I asked at all. I accepted it and wore it daily as a source of comfort, kinda like how a ship out at sea needs a reliable anchor as much as it needs sails for speed. It eventually broke one day, but much later after I was out of the hospital and feeling better. I was relieved because I felt I didn’t need that particular watch anymore (but I still have it somewhere because I’m a sentimental “hoarder”). While that watch is an instrument of collective TIME, its importance to me lies in EMOTIONal value and meaning in relation to a particular SPACE.

I am not sure if this will sound coherent at all but I tried my very best regardless of the final result. To write this out - I tried to “employ” my whole inner team to articulate a concept very dear to my heart and being. I am sending a paycheck to: my inner curious child (a.k.a. “artist”), my inner “schizo” (she helps me see connections that help me understand stuff), my inner psychologist/sociologist, my inner scientist (she’s very “Sherlock-Holmes-ey” but lacks academic credentials), my inner teacher (internalized learning adopted from my mom- the greatest teacher of them all IMHO), even my inner mathematician (although I do admit - that girl is SO unqualified for her position!! F minus on her test for sure!!).

I also “employed” an external team for this piece of writing too. (However I can’t afford to “pay” you all IRL, but please send an IOU). My real-life physicist friend/ex taught me a math symbol to aid in my made up formula. He taught me the symbol for “proportional to” which helped me communicate what that equation means to me better. I reached out to several writer friends to assist in edits to make sure this piece could communicate my ideas to as many people as possible. My life partner offered valuable insight as well. After sharing my formula with him, he did some research on his phone as he always does and told me that this concept has been recognized by others before!

I acknowledge that society ignores the thoughts and voices of disabled people because I see examples of this play out in front of me daily. We may sound “uncomfortable”, too “heavy” or “dark”, “too emotional”, too “wrapped up in ourselves and our needs”, too “COMPLAINING” or “IRRITATING”. Often times, people may not even believe us when we describe our symptoms or experiences - this especially sucks when those people are healthcare providers! But it also hurts immensely when it’s someone we love. Whatever it is - I do understand it and why it happens. I feel that way ALL THE TIME TOO (towards myself and others). But it breaks my dang heart all day, everyday, just like it does others. It often feels like way too much to hold. Maybe because its an example of ableism & internalized ableism (we ALL have this “ism” within us and we all live among it). Like the other “isms” - it’s hard to understand if you don’t deal with it directly. However, it is inextricably linked to all the other “isms” (classism, racism, sexism to name a few), which aid in the understanding of its unique concepts as well as those of the collective.

Ableism feels to me like hatred of others because you hate your own self (and also refuse to confront mortality). But you only got there because the society you inhabit [EXTERNAL SPACE] made you hate your own self first [INTERNAL SPACE].

Luckily, we always have internal perception to retreat to as respite from unmanageable limitations/constraints/restraints/circumstance. With the collective power of our individual perceptions COMBINED, maybe we could become CAPTAIN PLANET, suddenly capable of imagining NEW worlds/structures/systems/spaces we could inhabit. Ones where everyone’s needs can be met without any stigma or problems at all.

I wonder if after this eventual convergence we will still have any need for our internally perceived spaces at all???