It's Tuesday, February 18, 2025.  I'm sitting up in bed, in my room, though there is not much room for sitting up here because you only have like 4 feet (? maybe less?) of height to work with lol

Couple nights ago I was watching a movie I was kinda surprised I hadn't seen before.  I was a huge Wes Craven fan as a kid, but had never seen "THEY" (2002).  I acquired a VHS copy of it a while ago and finally got around to watching it.  I did not get any "Wes Craven *vibe*" from it tbh.  I looked up why that might be and found out his name was "slapped" on it for publicity reasons.  Turns out, he was not involved with the development/production of it, and even stated he didn't like it himself lol.  Additionally, there was a particular scene in it that made me *need* to turn it off.  It made me think about alllll of the stuff, too much, and all at once.  Here is an attempt to organize all that stuff:

In the US, when you leave the doctors office or get discharged from an extended hospital stay with a new diagnosis- I feel like you don’t really receive enough useful information about your new illness.  Depending on your resources, the best outcome you can expect will include: 

• A “diagnosis” usually made based on limited data and not enough available context. For example- a person enters a hospital while in crisis. The only available data the doctors will have is what they collect about the patient *while they’re in crisis*. They know little about the patient otherwise in regard to their regular daily life (what they’re like when not in crisis, interests/hobbies, lifestyle details, relationships, personality type, etc).
• A “treatment plan”, but one randomly assigned to you based on limited data.  It may not suit you or meet your needs in the end, but you will have to deal with that problem much later.  For example, one time I was put on a psych med while in crisis.  But after gathering much data over time spent *not* in crisis, I noticed it caused extended elevated blood sugars.  Since this directly conflicts with my T1D management, I had to stop this med and replace it with another.  But I didn’t know that until I had gathered enough data and noticed the pattern disruption.
• “Referrals" to new healthcare services that you will now rely on. The chances of these services helping you out, as they are made available to you, will also vary. Always a mixed bag where you must engage in long processes of “trial-and-error” before you find what works for you if you are able to find that truth at all.

It can be very frustrating, especially if your realm of interests/existing knowledge/expertise has absolutely nothing to do with medicine, biology, anatomy, or science at all. You are kinda forced to become a budding scientist yourself, which can be so overwhelming if you really were endeavoring to do something/anything else with our limited time here on earth/the mortal plane. It can also be frustrating if you are ill. Not everyone has the capacity to do this exhaustive research themselves.

I’ve spent a lot of time in healthcare settings being "treated" for a condition I still do not understand.  It affects my life greatly and has many toxic interactions with my physical condition. And yet- I have to continue to live with it, manage it, and try to understand it. But all while working from very limited and inherently flawed “data”.  I try to be kind to myself along the way, because this stuff does get complex and at times way too complex for me.  

Disclaimer: different people with this disease present differently, so I can only speak of my own experienced symptoms.  I prefer to not use the diagnosis term generally (“schizo-affective disorder”) because its only one of several different diagnoses I have gotten surrounding my struggles with mental health (but it is the most recently used one, after my lengthiest stay at a facility, so I will use it here rn).  I prefer to just call it my "schizo" stuff and leave it at that.  I never trust labels as provided by the DSM because history alone has proven them to be untrustworthy.  

My symptoms can include: 

• "apophenia" & "ideas of reference": apophenia refers to a brain activity that is constantly seeking patterns, sometimes between unrelated things.  Every human engages in apophenia to some extent.  Pattern recognition probably helped humans figure stuff out like weather forecasting, farming/agricultural practices, maybe math stuff? IDK, but probably helps lots of things!  Pattern recognition helps me personally when it comes to diabetic management (reviewing CGM data to see where blood spikes/blood drops happen, figure out why, and try to make sure you fix the disruption).  But, when this system is itself “disrupted” (or, when your brain is overstimulated/dysregulated), you begin to perceive false patterns - meaning, you attribute a pattern structure to actually unrelated/random things.  “Ideas of reference” are a type of apophenia, where “perceived patterns are interpreted as personally significant” (but this perception is also usually false).  An example from personal life:  I was feeling unwell one day, so my sweetie (life partner) and I went to a diner we had never been to before.  We both share a love of greasy-spoon diners, both find them viscerally comforting, and also love sharing our meticulous critiques of each diner lol (he likes his home fries extra burnt/crispy and cut into smaller pieces while I prefer bigger chunk pieces and prefer them soggy/undercooked; but we both usually agree that they should always be waaaaay over seasoned).  So we went to a diner called “Ritchie’s” in Hyde Park that day.  Since its our first time in this diner, I actually look at the menu.  I notice the diner logo has an “Rx” symbol, like on a prescription bottle, under the “R” in “Ritchie’s”.  I *immediately* panicked lol.  I start to look around, trying to catch the vibe of this place.  It does appear kind of “clinical” to me, as far as decor goes.  I panic more.  This is because one of my paranoid delusions that tends to flare up often is that clinicians are conspiring against me, attempting to “lock me away for good”.  (This is actually based in real trauma, as lots of symptoms of schizophrenia are, but thats a tangent for a different discussion entirely). Luckily, my partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years and he knows me/my illnesses quite well.  Sometimes/when appropriate, I run my paranoid thoughts by him for a “check-up”.  I point out the “Rx” to him.  He probably knew I was feeling dysregulated and was hyperfixating on this one seemingly small/unimportant detail.  He said- “Why don’t you just ask them why the logo looks that way?”  But, when in fear, I absolutely do not ask questions.  The safest thing always seems to be to flee (but this is also a common trauma-response in all humans).  He sees I am struggling with that option, so he turns to the waitress who took our order.  We were sitting at the counter, so she was right there.  This person was extremely sweet and was even delighted to hear his question.  She proceeded to give us a short history of her family’s business.  The diner used to be a pharmacy, run by her now-deceased relative.  When he passed, the family wanted to keep the business running in his memory, but no one felt passionate about pharmacies.  They decided to turn it into a diner/convenience store instead because they did feel passionate about food!  The “Rx” under “Ritchie’s” is simply an homage to him and his memory.  (I saved the menu from that day and keep it to remind me to ask questions, even when it’s scary or *feels* scary to do so.)
• "flight of ideas": a sudden bombardment of thoughts/perceptions/intuitions.  I hate this one a lot because it makes me really annoying to talk to during a flare up.  It leads to confusion, disorganized thinking, and when really bad - disorganized speech.  It can be very overwhelming, not just for me internally but for anyone I am attempting to communicate with.  When thoughts/perceptions/intuitions race too fast through your brain, it really is hard to keep up!  So I am not surprised that verbal/speech communication fails me at times like this, or any moment of “high stress”/anxiety.  But, on a good day - I appreciate flights of ideas.  When I make space for them, I actually learn a lot!  They help me understand concepts that are normally too much/too complex on a “normal” day, if that makes sense.
• paranoid delusions: for me, this is the monster that governs over all my other symptoms of this illness.  It is what it sounds like and probably results from all the other symptoms combined.  Some common paranoid delusions can be: thoughts of being watched/surveilled, thoughts of persecution (like, everyone is out to get you/kill you for some unknown reason to you), thoughts that others are “messing” with you such as teasing/bullying/everyone being “in on the joke” except you.
• catatonic state: an unresponsive state where you are no longer speaking, sometimes not even able to move, and no longer capable of responding to any sensory input/stimuli.  My only experiences of catatonic state both happened when I was deep in psychosis but I only know this information from clinicians/doctors after-the-fact, as I do not have any internal memory of these moments myself.
• psychosis: a description of a mental health state where the person experiencing it has completely detached from our collectively perceived “reality”.  This word can be used as a “diagnosis” in and of itself, or be ascribed as a symptom of a related illness (such as schizo stuff).
• “poor” hygiene & “chaotic” personal spaces
• reduction in movement ability/poor motor skills
• hallucinations: sensory experiences (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) that are “falsely” perceived by the body/mind, when compared to our shared, collective experience of “reality”. 

Patient forums are VITAL to those who experience complex illnesses and/or combinations of complex illnesses.  Doctors usually fail us, especially in countries such as this one where integrative care (treating the body as a whole) is non-existent.  Your specialist is not in direct communication with your behavioral health team nor your dentist.  But should they be?  Absolutely so, in my opinion.  Because american healthcare doesn’t do this, it makes illness combos hard to learn about/decipher/treat effectively.  I have come to learn about and understand my illnesses through patient forums more than any “medical literature” or “advice” from doctors.  Forums are places where people talk openly and freely with others like them to figure it all out.  We share tips & tricks/hacks, management/treatment options and how effective/useful they are to us, plus so much more.  These experiences are deeply personal, but it seems that across the board, for most of us “schizos” these symptoms are typically not exclusive to being only negative or only positive.  Sometimes, its just background brain noise and you get used to it.  That was validating to hear from other patients because it is certainly not common knowledge and definitely no doctor ever told me that VITAL info.  In healthcare settings, I’ve only ever heard of this illness as a pathologized thing, one that needs to be like beaten with a stick or something.  (But I find this “treatment” method ineffective and try hard not to engage with it this way anymore.)  So why are sick people being told by doctors to beat ourselves with a stick??? This is likely due to mental health stigma which influences everything under the sun, including: media portrayals, medical texts, the structure and organization of healthcare systems, even schooling environments and politics/law.  It truly does make the head spin.  And it makes me paranoid AF as well lol

The TLDR of this post would be: schizos are not violent like in the movies!  Schizos are statistically more likely to have violence inflicted upon them.  They are likely more scared of you then you could ever be of them.

Yesterday, I re-watched the 2000 film “X-Men” on VHS in my living room - but it took me a long time.

As a person with disabilities, I am definitely intrigued by this movie.  The idea of “mutants” in the movie is presented as people who have “different” bodies and minds that clearly deviate from a “norm” or “standard” as dictated by society.  They are even persecuted by the society in which they live.  Part of the movie’s plot follows a politician who tries to garner support for his “anti-mutant” legislations.  He uses fear-mongering to convince his constituents that mutants should be punished, restrained/surveilled, and kept away from society because of the “dangers” they pose due to their natural "superhero" abilities.  I admit, to me there is a cute whimsy to viewing disabilities as “superpowers”, but I wonder WHY because disabilities literally force you to make adaptations.  In the realm of some current disability justice movements, the argument is made that no one is “disabled” so much as they exist in relation to an ableist society.  A society that expects everyone to be the same and have the same needs (even though that is not true nor has it ever been) is actually the source of the “disability”, not the individual who naturally exists “outside” of societal norms.  As an allegory for disability, X-Men isn’t so bad to me!  I did look for other disability analysis of this movie out of curiosity and found this particular piece of writing very insightful.  It also makes me want to watch the other X-Men movies in the franchise.  I also wonder if the “elevator pitch” for this movie over in Hollywood-land was: *~*DISABILITIES AS ABILITIES*~* or something to that cringey nature…

It is a strange experience to have in life, inhabiting a body that cannot “govern” nor regulate it’s own self. Such a body could very well harm its inhabitant, and this leads to problems such as disembodiment from the self. In the movie, each mutant has a “superpower” which is presented as a burden to that person but also as a gift to them.  But usually the “gift” part of the deal is not apparent until they learn more about themselves and how to live with it.  For example, one of the X-Men has lasers that shoot out of his eyes, so he wears specific glasses at all times as an adaptation to his superpower.  The glasses allow him to control and direct the force of the lasers that are naturally emitted from his eyes.  When the glasses are on, he doesn’t have to worry about harming himself or others and can save his power only for times when it is useful to him or others. 

Wolverine is an interesting character to me because his natural ability is the superpower of being able to heal wounds quickly (which is a power that me and my diabetic limbs ENVY greatly lol).  One heartbreaking scene in the movie is when Wolverine experiences a nightmare while sleeping.  The nightmare is a trauma flashback to being medically experimented on in an army base where he is implanted with the ability to extend metal knives from his hands.  His natural ability for healing himself was the reason he was a candidate for this traumatic experiment to begin with (which alone makes my head spin on many levels).  When in a heightened state of arousal, his weapons come out of his hands almost instinctually.  While having the nightmare, his friend and fellow mutant, Rogue, tries to wake him up.  But when he does, because of his anxious state, his knives come out and he accidentally stabs Rogue right through her chest.  She begins to die because of this fatal wound.  Luckily, Rogue’s superpower is absorbing the life energy of anyone she comes into contact with through physical touch, and that includes the abilities/superpowers of other mutants.  By touching Wolverine as she dies, she inherits his healing ability momentarily, allowing her stab wounds to close up and save her life.  But, this touch does nearly kill Wolverine in return.  If she had touched him for a moment longer, it would have sucked all the life out of him completely.

Rogue’s circumstances also hold lots of trauma due to her superpower alone, which is a common theme in the movie when examining the lives of most of the mutants.  Since she can’t control the fact that her touch sucks all the life energy out of others  - she has to avoid physical touch completely.  Touch provides a sense of safety, stress release, connection, and healing, among many other proven benefits.  Here is one medical study I found most interesting on the subject, especially in its SCOPE of study.  But imagine being cursed to spend your whole life avoiding that one thing?  Rogue can never feel safe, loved, or held by others the way “normal people” experience it, so her required adaptation is to learn how to source feelings of safety, stress reduction, and community through different means (but I never understood at the end of the movie if we ever get to literally know what that is for her so if you know PLZ TELL ME).  

In the movie, mutants are gathered and educated at an institute for them that one of the characters affectionately refers to as “mutant high”.  In this safe environment, people such as Rogue can learn how to adapt to their mutations and even learn how to control them or utilize their abilities for the good of others.  

I bet they have a lot of ethics classes in that school!  An ability can be used for good things and bad things (if you believe in binaries or dichotomies anyways, as Hollywood movies tend to operate), but this depends on the disposition of the person using an ability.  For example, Professor X is a mutant character and he is the founder of mutant high.  He is also a teacher there.  His mutant ability is that he can read and control the thoughts of others.  I guess he could become a bitter or spiteful man and justify using his ability for “evil”.  But, because he kept this in check somehow (that we don’t really get to know as viewers), he uses his abilities to do “good” instead, by committing himself to the lifelong work of helping other mutants harness, control, and understand their superpowers.  (Maybe dude had a REALLY good therapist for enough steady years in a row!)  I do find it interesting that among all the mutants in the movie - there are NOT many elders present.  There is only Professor X and his fellow mutant/nemesis Magneto.  (But it is stated in the movie that other mutants’ ages can be hard to tell due to their superpowers sometimes).  That feels like a testament to the fact that, according to the movie, mutant lives are ROUGH given the societies they live in, so elder age is rare to encounter.  It’s probably why the X-Men invest so heavily in educating new generations of mutants.

Magneto is an “evil” mutant in the story and even though he fights with Professor X, he is also his comrade and old friend.  At the end of the movie, after these dudes do all this EPIC BATTLE with each other, they still play a game of chess!  (Because in the end, mutants know mutants, and will always understand each other at the very core of the matter.)

Magneto has the ability to command magnetic fields, meaning that among other abilities, he can control metal objects.  The movie opens with a scene from his traumatic childhood in which he is shown as a young child entering an extermination camp during World War II.  As he is ripped apart from his parents by the Nazis, in his heightened state of emotion as well as physical restraint/violence against him, he somehow bends an entire metal fence nearby.  The phenomenon does not stop until one of the Nazis knocks him unconscious.  Throughout the whole movie, it is suggested that mutants originally become aware of their superpowers via moments of intense trauma, which is the first step in learning how to harness them.

Later in life, Magneto becomes a mutant who espouses an “us-against-them” mentality.  This is the fallacy that causes him to use his mutant abilities for “evil”.  It leads to his egoism, like in the movie he claims that mutants are inherently “better” than non-mutants.  He claims the mutants are a more “highly evolved” version of a normal human, and this hierarchical view is what maybe drives his destructive behaviors and actions.  This dude just wants to fight hierarchy with a different hierarchy after a lifetime of constant threats from a hierarchy!  On the other hand, Professor X is presented as a calm, collected man who believes in the potential of all humans working and living together as one.  He still remains committed to helping other mutants specifically, since he has the resources to do so, although I do find it interesting that we never learn as viewers exactly how or why he has those resources nor get to see or hear about his mutant-self past even though we learn about so many others.  What we do know as viewers is that Professor X is “visibly” disabled, as he is a wheelchair user. As a viewer, I assume he went through lots of his own trauma growing up as a mutant, but I am not privy to that.  I only get to see the bounty of his success in overcoming whatever that was in his past- such as the school he built for mutant children and the facilities underneath it built for fighting evil.  I wonder if this is some kind of story device - like are we not supposed to know the past of the mind-reader because he is the one who knows all?  Since he is always “listening” to the thoughts of others, is that why he doesn’t talk as much about his own? Or was his necessary adaptation (to managing his superpower)  becoming a person who communicates differently? IDK but… SO MANY QUESTIONS

I spent 12 hours watching this one movie today (which has an actual running time of 1 hour and 44 minutes).  I had to keep stopping it to process all my disorganized thoughts as they happen in “real time” (as opposed to crip time) so I’m glad I could accommodate this random brain activity today. It’s usually annoying having to stop and start a movie like that, understandably so. Usually, I can only digest films at my own pace when I am alone.

In the X-Men movie, there is nothing inherently “WRONG” with the mutants, nor are their abilities presented as things that should be pathologized nor ‘treated’ as a means of eradication of the ability.  It just means they have to pay extra care and attention sometimes, attune themselves, and learn to meet their needs as they arise.  The evil politician/artificially-turned mutant dies as a result of complications from his induced mutation because he couldn’t adapt to his new condition, physically speaking.  This makes me think of chronic conditions/disabilities acquired later in life, and how that varies in experience to those one has experienced for all of their life.  His death also speaks to how acquiring a mutation/superpower/disability changes your whole outlook on everything you ever knew. Before he dies, he essentially tells Storm that he finally kinda knows how she feels, being a mutant and all, after spending his entire political career hunting down people such as herself. It took becoming a mutant himself to truly understand the realities of her experiences of life. (But then he literally dies immediately after that.)

According to X-Men, a “superpower” (or “disability”) is something one needs to adapt to, learn to understand, and know better about the self so that you can use this ability to help the self and others.  So, SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE ELSE OUT THERE doing “the work” of trying to adapt and understand.  It is strange trying to get to know yourself internally while struggling so hard to adapt externally.  The kind of work you never get paid for (because there is no way to monetize it, especially under existing systems and structures; it simply exists outside of any “transactional” paradigm at all - but try explaining that to a capitalist!).  But it’s the kind of work we never even sought nor asked for either - as an experience, its not a PLEASURE, it’s an ENDURANCE and also one we have no other mortal choice but to execute.  But, it is our work, nonetheless, and so be it. I know that 12 hours is *annoyingly* long to spend digesting one movie, I agree!  But only when compared to some arbitrary “norm”.  I liked how this movie makes me see the value in moving towards acceptance rather than away from it. Sooooo I give it A+ , 10/10, Siskel & Ebert give it twenty three blow jobs and 600 bitcoin! Go inve$t in a watch of X-Men todayTM 

Side note - in this X-Men movie, the character of “Storm” is played by Halle Berry, who is a ~*~type 1 diabetic~*~*

There's a lot of information people should share with each other, but they do not for various reasons.  There are many reasons why someone would do that.  Some reasons that come to mind off the top of my head are: that person doesn't feel comfortable sharing those details due to past trauma and negative experiences, or maybe they are still not done processing all the information surrounding the issue, or maybe that person is very deeply anxious/sick/overwhelmed and can't even understand what is going on to begin with.  Anyone who experiences constant overwhelm will try not to cause others the same.  If a friend has too much going on in their life, it would be wrong to overwhelm them further with details about your own struggles at that time.  During hard times when everything is overwhelming for everybody, this does create a problem.  When things go unspoken for too long, when unanswered questions remain just that, when nobody has the relevant information necessary to move forward, lots of conflict and miscommunications arise.  Sometimes I wish we could normalize, as a society, asking someone before speaking: "Hey, do you have the capacity for this?" I wish I could remember to do that myself, but I often can't. Because there is a lot going on: in daily life, in our own bodies, and in the world.  Some people can keep up with that and others cannot, but I would bet that everyone struggles with this often.

I met someone a while back who shared an important detail about themselves as they introduced themselves to a group.  They said: "Hey, my name is {insert name}, my pronouns are they/them, and just to let the group know - I am autistic."  It kinda blew my mind at the time because I was thinking WHOA I didn't know we're ALLOWED to do that! But that was really helpful context to know about this person when proceeding to communicate with them, especially since we were meeting for the first time.

This made me wonder, what is something that completely rules over my life and has a deep impact on all aspects of it.  What is the most relevant detail I would need a new person in my life to know, assuming I had to pick just one - the one that was deeply important for anyone around me to know.  I would likely say: "Hi, my name is Alex. My pronouns are she/her but I don't really care what you call me.  I am a type1 diabetic of 12 years who is also neurodivergent."  That already sounds like a mouthful and like it would cause someone else overwhelm or information overload.  I can see why we don't normalize that as a society (but that doesn't change my wishes).

When I first got diagnosed, I had some friends who approached me insisting that I meet their diabetic friends.  They said it would be helpful, supportive, and informative for me.  Sometimes it was, but sometimes it wasn't.  A lot of T1 diabetics I have met were neurotypical.  After 12 years with this disease, I see how that distinction is important.  It means we do have the same disease, but our experiences of it are very different.  

T1D is a disease that requires round-the-clock monitoring, including when you are sleeping.  It requires a lot of meticulousness regarding health routines, eating schedules and diets, exercise, mental health management, supply management, routine doctor appointments, constant health insurance wrangling, and also constant information being presented to you.  Often this information is new and complex.  Sometimes this new information contradicts past information which requires a lot of brain processing, further research, and personal discernment.  For example: my endocrinologist (diabetic doctor) told me at one appointment that she will put me a different brand of fast-acting insulin so that I didn't have to wait 20 minutes before eating after injecting myself for a meal.  But this didn't help me out, and months later, another endocrinologist told me that the information she gave me was incorrect.  I still had to wait those 20 minutes.  That was very confusing for me, but it happens a lot with this disease.

One question I like to ask other T1D'ers is: Do you ever forget about your diabetes? Some people find that question ridiculous, some people reply with "sometimes I do, sometimes I don't", others reply with "JFC I DO THAT ALL THE TIME WHY IS IT SO STRESSFUL".  Out of all those people, the last one is the one I relate to the most, and would feel most comfortable sharing with because I know our experiences of this disease are more similar than not.

I am a low-capacity person with a very slow brain processing speed.  It takes me a while to take in lots of information and make sense of it.  I like to spend time alone a lot and its probably also why I enjoy writing so much.  It truly helps me to process complex ideas, loads of constant new information, and keep track of things I shouldn't forget (but likely would, if I hadn't written it down or kept a record of it in some way).  I understand not everyone is like this.  I notice a lot of people around me are able to move much faster.  They can have multiple social interactions in one day, while holding down a full time job, and managing a wide array of constant responsibilities while also processing a lot of complex, new information every day.  I wish I could do all of that, but I know I don't have the capacity to do all of that while I’m still maintaining my body and mind, which is why I don't engage with the same lifestyles or life goals as they do.  It does bum me out sometimes - like when I see old friends meeting all the classic milestones of life such as having a career, starting a family, or owning a home.  I do wish I could do all that, but I know I simply can't keep up with that, so I abstain from it.

When I am overstimulated, stressed out, confused, or anxious, I cannot keep up with my diabetes.  I forget all the tasks at hand.  I will reach for a piece of food and just eat it.  But here is why a constant state of overwhelm is dangerous for a person with T1D.  We really do have to eat "differently" among many other things (including stress management).  These requirements also vary depending on what devices you are using for diabetic management, what your material resources are, how you go about your day, ETC.  For example: I need to eat 3 meals each day, spaced out by about 5 hours.  Before eating or drinking something with carbs, I first have to check my blood sugar level (I currently use a CGM for that, but my back up is a finger-prick based glucose meter).  Then, I have to decide what and how much I am going to eat.  You can't eat less or more than what you decide.  That is because, based on your blood sugar level at that time and the carb count of your meal, you have to then calculate an appropriate dose of insulin to inject yourself with.  Then, you inject your fast acting insulin (not to be confused with long acting insulin which you take once a day in addition to that).  Then, you wait 20 minutes.  Then you can eat.  But you can't eat less than what you counted for (because you will then have too much insulin in your blood and will get a low blood sugar) and you can't eat more than what you counted for (because then you will get a high blood sugar).  When I am calm, at ease, and thinking logically and rationally - yes, I can absolutely do all of that and in the correct order.  But when I am not, which can be a constant state spanning long periods of time, I absolutely cannot process nor execute all of those tasks, three times a day, every day.  I feel like I can’t follow this regimen on ANY day- it overwhelms me too much. This is why its easier to be alone most of the time.  Its probably why I love my job being a dogwalker - I can keep my own schedule, go at my own pace, and meet my needs as they arise.  It doesn't require too many awkward social interactions - dogs are pretty straight forward.  I know what tasks need to be completed and for how long, etc.  The simplicity of the job suits me, and I do require that simplicity to complete all my other daily tasks.  I've had family members criticize me for being a dog walker, saying I wasn't realizing my full potential or that I had low self-worth and that's why I didn't go after more "challenging" jobs.  I just have to ignore that kind of stuff now, because I know what my needs are in that realm (job world) and I am simply trying to accommodate them in my daily life.  That is a necessity when part of my daily life is being constantly overwhelmed by my body and brain - just existing on a very basic level is a lot of work already to me.  Again, for some people, that is not too much work.  But my slow-paced and very LOUD brain coupled with my demanding physical body makes it too much work for me.

I know one helpful action item would be to get back on an insulin pump, because it changes the rules a tiny bit.  For example, the reason I have to only stick to three meals a day spaced out by 5 hours is to prevent insulin stacking.  You have to make sure one dose of insulin has run it's course through your blood before you add another in there.  If you don't, you run the risk of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar event).  I've interacted with people who aren't diabetic who have said "Oh yea, I get low blood sugar all the time!".  I'm sure they do, but these events are not the same.  Feeling faint because you haven't eaten is one thing.  Feeling faint and passing out because you injected yourself with too much insulin is a whole different monster.  It made me crash my car one time, and that event really sucked! It also broke my heart, because a stranger approached me in the car to make sure I was ok.  I tried to communicate to them that I was having a low blood sugar and needed glucose immediately.  But I could not communicate this to them because of the severe low.  They assumed I was fucked up on drugs or alcohol, dismissed me, and walked away.  I still don't think I'm done processing that event, nor others like it, because those take a long time for slowLOUD brain.  When you have an insulin pump - you are tethered to a continuous, steady stream of insulin.  This means the 5 hour rule for meal spacing doesn't apply.  It also means the 20 minute rule before eating doesn't apply.  You get to be just a little closer to a "normal" human than not.  

I've been on a pump before, so why am I not now?  Because of ALL THE OVERWHELMING reasons in slowLOUD brain.  I bet if brain didn't get in the way, I could probably manage life with two medical devices better.  But I am already overwhelmed by the constant data emitted from my CGM (blood glucose monitoring device).  This was a conversation I had to have with my endocrinologist.  One reason why doctors are reluctant to prescribe a patient a CGM is because they worry about "information overload".  That is why they are cautious about pushing devices on people who present as anxiously as myself.  When I was on an insulin pump, I struggled with it.  It was constantly beeping at me with its needs, just the same as my CGM does.  You had to change it every 3 days.  You had to keep back up supplies on you at all times, in case it failed, which is a scary event.  One time when I was on the pump, I went to a friend's bachelorette party in the middle of the woods.  I didn't know it at first, but my pump had a kink in it.  So it appeared to be working, I kept telling it to inject me with insulin, but my blood sugars just kept skyrocketing quickly.  I started vomitting and exhibiting signs of entering DKA, a complication that leads to coma and death.  This whole event was scarier, because I was at an overnight party and far away from home, and I also didn't want to ruin the nice time by telling everyone what was going on with me.  I decided that even though the pump appeared to be working, it clearly wasn't.  When I finally took it off, I saw the needle was bent.  So yes, the insulin was coming out, but it wasn't entering my blood because of the bent cannula.  Luckily, I had a spare, and replaced it.  But I was still very sick the rest of the night and the next day and it took a long time to get my blood sugars back to a safe level.  The reason you can enter DKA so quickly on a pump but not on manual pen injections is because when you take pen injections, you take a secondary insulin, called long-acting insulin.  When you're on a pump, you only take rapid acting insulin, because you are constantly tethered to it.  Maybe some people are OK with the precarity of that trade off, but I don't think I am.  That is too much anxiety for slowLOUD brain to hold.  There are other reasons too - I don't like a large, heavy devices hanging off my body - it feels weird and distracting and uncomfortable.  It gets caught on stuff constantly.  My health insurance sucks - so I can't guarantee that my back-ups will have back-ups when technology inevitably fails.  All of that is too much precarity for me.  Since I know having two medical devices to keep track of overwhelms me like that - I decide to just stick with my CGM, which is already a constant pain in the ass to acquire and its own monster to do a daily battle with.

I think the TLDR version of this entire post would be: OVERWHELM IS REAL.

I have so much more to say about this, I'm sure every diabetic would.  I will maybe make a series of "diabetic rant" posts, because it really is too much for brain to hold and it is something that I wish nondiabetics were more aware of.